Freshly Unedited

I am held to a man’s standards, and to a woman’s, and them finally by my own. If it were a matter of standards alone, I would be done. I was held to a higher standard as a child, than most people are held to as adults. It was what was expected.
But this is a matter of what matters, of what should be running through my head. Like the moments when I talk about cars and then jump to texture of fabrics. It’s irritating that when I overachieve I let alone because I outdo, outwit my competitors and leave a man standing there feeling incompetent because I was shown the beauty of being a full well rounded individual.
Learning is my gift and yet I am condemned for it. Just stuff it, and go to Hell, Codfish….

In this world, you can’t be famous, you have to be unfamous.

Remember that every lie comes with a price. It’s kind of like magic, and the price is always higher than you initially thought.

define success as seeing another day when whether or not you can lie well enough to eat today

Sometimes people will just let you down, no matter how many chances you give. It’s either intentional because they don’t really want to be involved or because they just don’t care about who or what they’re doing. It’s all an immediate reaction for them, and they don’t even realize that they’ve hurt you. Oh well, it’s their shit that they have to get together because you already has yours put together ‘cause you never had a chance to be a kid, be a teenager, you’ve ever been the idiot, the early responsible adult, and the clueless dumbass with a tongue. Just understand I’m done with being the girl that’s one of the guys. Consider my revenge planned

J

Mottos are better for a New Year rather than a resolution because it’s the back up plan for when you don’t know what to do. Last year was ‘No More Poison’ specifically towards people who make me miserable, since it started with cutting out such a person who left feeling shitty and more angry at the world than when I wasn’t hanging out with her. 
This year’s is ‘Take Chances’ so that way when I don’t know what to do, I take a chance rather than always taking the safer and usually boring route. So wish me luck and I’ll see at the end of the year what I’ve tried and what I’m still not willing to do under any circumstance. 
J 

Broken in half, running ragged

Going out of my mind, I’m back

Worry, concern, safety, misery

All running through my head so fast

Broken in pieces, I’m picking the up

Falling down over my own feet

Lost inside of my own thoughts, not seeing

What’s under my feet, trying to fly

While my wings are still set tight

No clue why they are still that way

Going bonkers at he situation

Clearing my mind I write about fights

I breathe deep and imagine reality

If I were in control for a bit or a while

Rather than a pawn inside a master game

Where everything seems too designed

No freedom, no choices, no opportunity

When all I’m told is I have a choice

So I’m making one, terrified, excited

Wanting things to work in my favor

Rather than the forever against me

Flow of change I keep running into

Grossly understated of the insanity

Driven towards changes, stuck at crossroads

Trying to know what I really want

Or what I’m told is better when it’s not

Really along the way that I’m heading to

Choices, more choices, more choices after that

Nothing more than with no end in sight

But that is Life—to make choices, go places

Decide what’s worth chasing the rabbit hole

And falling down into Wonderland

Or maybe it just turns into a Horror Show

Misery Correction Stress Relief Belief

Humanity comes ans goes with reality

Whn I hear voices from clueless souls

Who know nothing and get paid better than me

Makes me angry that I’m not pretty only smart

That’ I’m too skinny and never good enough

Always something is going to be a flaw

And I’m never going to be the right one

And no matter how much I try not to care

I still want what I want and no luck my way

Anytime I wish for something I fails

Or falls in my face crashing hard

Because I wasn’t taught to dream small

Shoot for the stars; you’ll land on the moon

Always have a dream, always have somewhere to go

There were three rules I was taught

As I child for success in life

Somehow I feel like it’s a recipe

For getting walked all over

But I’ll probably keep doing it because

I don’t know anything better

Because I need something that works

Something to keep me afloat when

I’m getting ready to drown myself

Again down the dark hole of Hell

No escape from my own body shape

It’s trying to kill me from the inside

I’m losing what’s left of my reality

Dreaming of what never will be, can’t be

But I’m holding onto something practical
than the fairytales some girls think of

My parents will never get it, never can

They won’t understand why I’m walking

Away from everything they held onto

Because it’s half of what’s drowning me

The thing pouring the water on my nose

While I’m tied and gagged, told to obey

Make covenants that you’ll never keep

Follow rules that sort of make sense. Or not.

Something square, something round
Something all the same, all at once
It’s the expectation, the requirement
To be considered for heaven
So you know the kind of pressure
You get as get older and you
Still don’t have that piece of jewelry
So that as you grow older— they start
Blaming you for your faults as to why
You aren’t married yet

The pressure, the expectation
To do everything perfect, to be so
You tell me that you don’t judge
But I know damn well you do
As those snarky comments you say
Come back through the grapevine to my mum
And she has to put up with your lies 
Just like she did when she was younger

And standing in my place on her own
Failing the expectations, waiting for my dad
Thankfully, she’s been there. So the expectations 
Are some kind of different. Some kinds of same
She stills sees the single boys and asks why
Then she sees them later and leaves it alone

You set your standards 
Tell me to raise mine
Without looking at where
I expect a person to be like
You tell me to get married
Have an eternal family and all
Have you seen my choices?
Nothing on the boys character
But none of them know
How to breathe because of the beat
What it’s like to be so numb
That you can’t feel your own tears
To walk so far away and on the day 
You come back, how much you cry
They don’t know my songs, my soul
Most of them are busy with the girls
Who try to look pretty everyday

Something round, something square
Something all the same, all at once
They told me one thing
My parents told me another 
I think I’ll just listen to my parents
For once I’m sure they’re right
Wait- the right one will come along

Sometimes Santa exists in all of us, as a piece of gifts we give, just like sometimes we have to believe in the better parts of people in order to function in this life. We have to choose that sometimes people as a whole are better than this particular moment in which we see them. Other times, we need to remember that they are human and can make mistakes so that when we have the people that are always good can fall and we don’t forever hold it against them.

I need to remember this most of all, when I am falling farther into the habits that I thought I was leaving behind, because guess what, it wasn’t the habits that made me miserable, it was the reason I was doing them. The reason that all I was doing was running away from everything I have ever known and then thinking that I was running the opposite direction. Guess I wasn’t because I ended up right back where I started, without a clue how I ended up there.

This time it’s not running, it’s a walk away, to things that I miss, to things that made me whole, that filled my soul with something more than any religion I have ever seen give me, because it isn’t a religion, it’s a system of remembering and forgetting and refusing to regret choices.

See you when I arrive,

J